1. I'm broke.
2. I'm broke because of my own poor financial decisions.
3. While my name does not appear on Manchester United Jerseys, I can and, if assisted by the government will, support them by watching any final they appear in. I will also play as them in any and all FIFA Soccer games and and from this point forward refer to the beautiful game not as soccer, but as futbol.
4. If the government bails me out, it can easily be made into a reality TV show. Stupid? Yes. Boring? Yes. Ratings? Yes.
5. I give better loans than AIG ever has. When I cover my friends lunch at Chick-fil-a I don't demand repayment. They cover me when I'm short a few bucks at a later date and no one loses their house.
6. Because I've been watching CNBC lately and I'd love to watch some of these guys on the floor of the stock market talking about me. I would also like to be a part of the ticker located on the bottom of your screen. My stock is always going up.
7. Because its all theoretical money anyway. If the government is gonna be dishing out cash based off of IOUs from poorer nations they might as well throw some my way.
8. I can be bought. I'll vote Republican for 85 mill.
9. I've always wanted to meet David Letterman and I figure if the government bails me out I might be able to arrange that.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
Number 4: The White Man (A Manifesto)
This guy. This arrogant man who stands there thinking he's better than everyone else. Thinking that he makes the rules and everyone else has to either follow them, or accept that they're beneath him. He stands there emotionless, controlling the world. Ordering us all about. Telling us what to do and when to do it. What not to do and when not to do it.
For years it has been this way. Sometimes you think you've finally made it to a place far from his suffocating influence. But then there he is, right around the corner, telling you what to do and when to do it.
And the problem is that we sit by and watch. We do nothing to end the tyranny. We just stand there and watch. Like generations before us that have stood at the corner of injustice and action and lacked the courage to move. Like Europe appeasing Hitler. Giving in and giving in until eventually they were all marching. Marching whenever and wherever he told them to.
And sadly this is what too many of us have become. Robots, marching to and fro whenever this arrogant man tells us to. Like sheep following a wolf in shepherd's clothing.
We were meant for more.
The greatest men and women in history did not wait for permission to act. They did not care to appease a tired old man who by some sick luck controls society. The greatest men and women, the men and women that people write books about, marched boldly where they chose and when they chose. So shall we.
This man has held us with an iron grip for too long. He has stood there and told us what to do and when to do it, without even the decency to speak to us. He just stares, knowing that upon his vile signal we will march to the beat of his out-of-tune drum. No more.
This man is not greater than us, he is small and weak. He is not courageous like us, he wishes for us to live a neat, safe, conservative life until we die.
And he has the audacity to tell me when to cross the street.
No more.
Jay-Walk...By Any Means Necessary
For years it has been this way. Sometimes you think you've finally made it to a place far from his suffocating influence. But then there he is, right around the corner, telling you what to do and when to do it.
And the problem is that we sit by and watch. We do nothing to end the tyranny. We just stand there and watch. Like generations before us that have stood at the corner of injustice and action and lacked the courage to move. Like Europe appeasing Hitler. Giving in and giving in until eventually they were all marching. Marching whenever and wherever he told them to.
And sadly this is what too many of us have become. Robots, marching to and fro whenever this arrogant man tells us to. Like sheep following a wolf in shepherd's clothing.
We were meant for more.
The greatest men and women in history did not wait for permission to act. They did not care to appease a tired old man who by some sick luck controls society. The greatest men and women, the men and women that people write books about, marched boldly where they chose and when they chose. So shall we.
This man has held us with an iron grip for too long. He has stood there and told us what to do and when to do it, without even the decency to speak to us. He just stares, knowing that upon his vile signal we will march to the beat of his out-of-tune drum. No more.
This man is not greater than us, he is small and weak. He is not courageous like us, he wishes for us to live a neat, safe, conservative life until we die.
And he has the audacity to tell me when to cross the street.
No more.
Jay-Walk...By Any Means Necessary
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Number 3: Labor Day (And Run-On Sentences)
So if you don't have a job what do you do on Labor Day?
I guess you could just sit around and watch meteorologists guess about which way hurricanes will go and try to figure out how a 6 foot wall is supposed to hold out the ocean and how Anderson Cooper is managing to stay standing in that wind and then you could watch the people on tv, who tell us all what to think, and learn about VP candidates and their pregnant daughters all while the little ticker on the bottom of the screen is casually telling you the number of deaths in Iraq and Afghanistan as if it's some sort of sports statistic.
Sad
But if Brandt is back in town you could go to Moe's with the guys and be blown away by how expensive a cup of queso is and on the way home fortune might smile on you and you could end up with an entire street sign, pole and all, in your house and after a shower you could get free chicken strips at Chick-fil-A just for wearing an Auburn t-shirt and bump into friends at wal-mart and spend the rest of the evening with your beautiful girlfriend.
Happy
ps- did you know, on the CNN ticker, they tell you how many days are left in the year. Really though, right now it says "There are 120 days left in the year". That is on the ticker? Really? I just can't find a reason why I need to know that as opposed to just the date or time or anything else really. Come on.
I guess you could just sit around and watch meteorologists guess about which way hurricanes will go and try to figure out how a 6 foot wall is supposed to hold out the ocean and how Anderson Cooper is managing to stay standing in that wind and then you could watch the people on tv, who tell us all what to think, and learn about VP candidates and their pregnant daughters all while the little ticker on the bottom of the screen is casually telling you the number of deaths in Iraq and Afghanistan as if it's some sort of sports statistic.
Sad
But if Brandt is back in town you could go to Moe's with the guys and be blown away by how expensive a cup of queso is and on the way home fortune might smile on you and you could end up with an entire street sign, pole and all, in your house and after a shower you could get free chicken strips at Chick-fil-A just for wearing an Auburn t-shirt and bump into friends at wal-mart and spend the rest of the evening with your beautiful girlfriend.
Happy
ps- did you know, on the CNN ticker, they tell you how many days are left in the year. Really though, right now it says "There are 120 days left in the year". That is on the ticker? Really? I just can't find a reason why I need to know that as opposed to just the date or time or anything else really. Come on.
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