Number 5: Plus or Minus 10 Reasons Why the Government Should Bail Me Out

1. I'm broke.

2. I'm broke because of my own poor financial decisions.

3. While my name does not appear on Manchester United Jerseys, I can and, if assisted by the government will, support them by watching any final they appear in. I will also play as them in any and all FIFA Soccer games and and from this point forward refer to the beautiful game not as soccer, but as futbol.

4. If the government bails me out, it can easily be made into a reality TV show. Stupid? Yes. Boring? Yes. Ratings? Yes.

5. I give better loans than AIG ever has. When I cover my friends lunch at Chick-fil-a I don't demand repayment. They cover me when I'm short a few bucks at a later date and no one loses their house.

6. Because I've been watching CNBC lately and I'd love to watch some of these guys on the floor of the stock market talking about me. I would also like to be a part of the ticker located on the bottom of your screen. My stock is always going up.

7. Because its all theoretical money anyway. If the government is gonna be dishing out cash based off of IOUs from poorer nations they might as well throw some my way.

8. I can be bought. I'll vote Republican for 85 mill.

9. I've always wanted to meet David Letterman and I figure if the government bails me out I might be able to arrange that.